By my troth! A tour de force.

 This is a book that sounds like it should be horribly bad and, fortunately, isn't. Ian Doescher did an amazing job of pulling Star Wars into Shakespeare and vice versa. The language is mostly spot on for both pools of source material, though there are some concessions made for modern readers and older verb forms are mostly abandoned, and periodically a great line from the film will suffer for the sake of meter.

I'm going to assume that everyone reading this is at least somewhat familiar with both Shakespeare and Star Wars. This is a book that smashes A New Hope into Hamlet with a healthy helping of Much Ado About Nothing and Richard III. It giggles while it does so and drags you along, laughing, for the ride. Lucas has admitted that most of Star Wars is archetypal, but that won't make sense to young readers until you see how many of those archetypes litter the story and are wonderfully highlighted by Doescher's delightful verse.

C3PO and R2 are not only the pompous scholar and they wise fool, they're also the classic bickering couple (as are Han and Leia). Luke is a perfect young hero, orphaned twice and then losing his old mentor character in Obi Wan. Vader is brilliantly made out as a tortured torturer, and the storm troopers are the perfect comedy foil, sharing elements with Shakespeare's gravediggers, incompetent murderers, and drunken uncles.

There's not much to be said for the story - it's the story that you already know - but there's a lot to be said for the insight that Doescher gives to the characters; it seems like every character gets at least one soliloquy that reaches beyond A New Hope and into the deeper well of the Star Wars universe. If you haven't seen the films (seriously, who the hell are you? everyone has seen these movies) this book would give you a more complete picture of each character than the first film does. Some of the book feels a little slap-dash, but that's only to be expected when you're reading a space battle written for the stage.

My dad got this book for me (along with the Death Star tea infuser my sister gave me) for Christmas, and I have to say it's a perfect gift for a Star Wars/Shakespeare geek - if you happen to have a lit nerd in your life who was also raised on SciFi, or if you happen to be one of those yourself, this book is completely worth reading. Also, please go buy it because it is Doescher's first book and I really want to encourage him to do the rest of the series and to write other things, because this guy really gets it - here's hoping he makes it as an author and gives us lots to read for the rest of his hopefully very long and productive live.

Doescher, Ian. William Shakespeare's Star Wars: Verily, A New Hope. Quirk Books.
     Philadelphia: Pennsylvania. 2013.

I want to go to Iceland now.

Let us start by accepting the idea that Danny Kaye was an essentially perfect performer, and that the man who played Derek Zoolander was realistic enough to understand that there is absolutely nothing that he can do that Kaye couldn't do a thousand times better while also tap-dancing and reciting tongue-twisters.

In spite of the fact that Danny Kaye was better at everything than almost anyone still living, Ben Stiller's re-imagining of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is a charming, engaging, and beautiful film that is well worth seeing.

The visual aspect of the movie is the most impressive part of the whole - there are stunning shots of oceans and mountains, beautiful framing of the actors to make everyone appear at their best, gorgeous use of light throughout, and startling visual juxtapositions that pop out and make you want to look at a scene three or four times to make sure that you saw all the details. The writing seems secondary to the visuals and that isn't really a bad thing - the characters are fairly quiet and unassuming while still being well-rounded and likeable (or unlikeable as the case may be) and it seems like this quiet bunch really doesn't need all that much dialogue to help them walk through the majority of the film. There isn't a ton of talking, and most of what needs to be said to drive the film is said by a leather wallet with the Life Magazine credo stamped inside of it: "to see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come to, to draw closer, to see and be amazed," is the goal of this film and its titular character.

There is also a delightful, if only expected, element of magic realism in the movie; I love magic realism and seek it out in literature but do not often find it in movies. In order to appreciate this movie you can't question the logic of it - don't ask how you get cell signal in the Himalayas, don't worry about the speed you need to escape a volcanic eruption, just accept the extraordinary as possible and enjoy the everyday magic that all humans are capable of - hope.

I'm pretty much okay with any movie that makes me want to be a better person, that reminds me who who I used to want to be and compare that would-be person to what I am. That's the real accomplishment of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. It is not a great film, but it is a film which aspires to greatness and makes you want to try for greatness too.

A Farewell to Holmes

"I fear that Mr. Sherlock Holmes may become like one of those popular tenors who, having outlived their time, are still tempted to make repeated farewell bows to their indulgent audiences. This must cease and he must go the way of all flesh, material or imaginary. One likes to think that there is some fantastic limbo for the children of the imagination, some strange, impossible place where the beaux of Fielding may still make love to the belles of Richardson, where Scott's heroes still may strut, Dickens's delightful Cockneys still raise a laugh, and Thackeray's worldlings continue to carry on their reprehensible careers. Perhaps in some humble corner of such a Valhalla, Holmes and his Watson may for a time find a place, while some more astute sleuth with some even less astute comrade may fill the stage which they have vacated." - Arthur Conan Doyle from the Preface to The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes.

"The Adventure of the Illustrious Client"
Holmes sends Watson out to confront a fiend who threatens a young girl of a good family by his hold over her - Detective, Doctor, and Dubious Baron find themselves subject to an intrigue beyond even the scheming of homes. A rousing story, and an exceptional case in which one of Holmes' helpers turns out to have some teeth.

"The Adventure of the Blanched Soldier"
The first story of a very few which Sherlock tells about himself - it's a funny little mystery and the insight into the preening character of Holmes through his own words and thoughts is hilarious and worthwhile all on its own.

"The Adventure of the Marazin Stone"
A cute little robbery of a famous gem which Holmes solves in his living room in a single sitting. Fast-paced, short, and somewhat ridiculous, this story is still well worth reading since it does so much in such a compact space.

"The Adventure of the Three Gables"
This story is only somewhat interesting and feels very incomplete; a man wronged, a woman scorned, Holmes drawling sardonically about the whole thing and so on and so forth. Startling evidence of turn-of-the-century attitudes about race are present in the first few pages of the story, and as much as I'd like to think it was because Doyle was trying to make his readers hate the character of whom the author was so thoroughly sick, I think the sad truth is that this book was written almost a hundred years ago, and back then even decent people could be just utterly awful about race.

"The Adventure of the Sussex Vampire"
Watson and Holmes get drawn into a mystery with supernatural overtones and a mundane solution - Holmes has a solution before he even arrives on scene and we are given a very interesting portrait of a very diverse family.

"The Adventure of the Three Garridebs"
A funny little problem with some interesting deductions and an eccentric client shows us one of the more moving moments between the Detective and the Doctor - Holmes does care for Watson, even if it takes a flesh wound for him to show it.

"The Problem of Thor Bridge"
An obnoxious millionaire calls Holmes to a cold scene hoping to exonerate an innocent girl. This story is fairly prosaic, but quick and inoffensive.

"The Adventure of the Creeping Man"
This is not a problem of a dog that didn't bark, but one that did bite. Holmes points out again and again that the smallest of signs may lead to a solution. Contains one of the best communiques from Sherlock to Watson: "Come at once if convenient - if not convenient come all the same."

"The Adventure of the Lion's Mane"
This is a wonderful little story for a number of reasons - Holmes is once again our narrator, the story takes place during his retirement, there is a sweet little love triangle, and the good detective faces a foe the likes of which he's never seen.

"The Adventure of the Veiled Lodger"
Sherlock plays father confessor to a maimed circus performer; there is no real mystery here, just the sad story of one woman's life, love, and losses told to a man who can not understand but who will not judge nonetheless.

"The Adventure of Shoscombe Old Place"
What do a whining spaniel, an ignored horse, a charred bone, and an indebted playboy mean to Holmes? That the game is afoot! Holmes and Watson step on the shady side of the law to investigate the strange, changed behaviors of a disabled widow and her trouble-maker brother.

"The Adventure of the Retired Colourman"
A cunning criminal and irksome client irritate Watson as Holmes tries to solve the mystery of a missing bride and her chess-playing beau. Holmes is at his mischievous best and solid, stable Watson is left holding the short end of the stick with a miser in the countryside.

These little stories are fun and fast paced; they are frequently silly and infrequently serious, but when they are serious there is a maturity to them that was lacking in some of the earlier Holmes stories. "The Adventure of the Veiled Lodger," for instance, shows a sympathy in Holmes that is rarely evident and plucks at the heart-strings of dear old Watson. Sherlock is aware of his age and its failings in "The Adventure of the Lion's Mane" and Watson is struck by the changes he shows to an old friend in "The Adventure of the Sussex Vampire." It's clear that Arthur Conan Doyle was tired of his original-becoming-stock characters by the time this collection was published, but it is also clear that he loved them no less for letting familiarity breed at least a little contempt.

This is now the fourth Holmes book I've read in as many weeks, and I don't mind saying that it's past time to leave him alone for a little while (in particular I'm quite excited not to have to photograph this cover again until I reread the series); so I'll wrap up with the final lines of Doyle's preface to his final writings on the Irregulars: "And so, reader, farewell to Sherlock Holmes! I thank you for your past constancy, and can but hope that some return has been made in the shape of that distraction from the worries of life and stimulating change of thought which can only be found in the fairy kingom of romance."

Doyle, Arthur Conan. "The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes." Sherlock Holmes: The Complete  
     Novels And Stories, Volume II. Bantam Classics, a division of Random House. New York:
     New York. 2003. (Originally Published 1927).

General info on dogs with only minimal complete bullshit

I don't read a lot of non-fiction, and I especially don't read a lot of project-based books; the Dummies books don't appeal to me at all, anything with "Beginner's Guide" that's longer than 10 pages probably isn't worth the effort, and how-to especially aggravate the hell out of me.

The Secret Lives of Dogs isn't as bad as most self-help, how-to, factoid heavy books as I've seen in the past; there is a lot of good, factual information about dogs and how to care for them and why they act the way they do. In spite of that, two things really, really stood out to me as a reason not to recommend this book.

The first one is based on a purely personal preference - scattered through the book are "Puppy Dog Tales," heralded by an orange side bar and a twee cartoon of a dog reading a book. They're cute little stories about individual dogs and their problems with the issues addressed in the book. They remind me of the Dog-Gone Funny stories that run alongside Sunday issues of Marmaduke in large newspapers, almost offensively banal and degrading to good content that surrounds the insipid little commentary. Please, please, if you're considering writing any kind of informative book, don't include adorable little anecdotes with pun-based sidebars. It makes me so angry because it's like the author is admitting that the don't have enough faith in their audience to read an entire book full of words and facts without a story about a goofy dog or a crazy cat. Really, it's insane how much this makes me want to set this mostly inoffensive little book on fire.

The second problem that I had is the occasional bizarre references to acupuncture, acupressure, and herbal medicine. Acupuncture doesn't work for people. It doesn't work for dogs. Acupressure is nothing more than massage, which is pleasant primarily because of physical contact - something which humans and dogs both enjoy even without vague mystical trappings. Herbal medicines are questionable at best for humans (though you are welcome to your camomile if you think it helps you go to sleep) but dogs aren't humans and feeding them some of the nostrums that humans use to ease their aches and pains will kill them. You should NEVER use anything to medicate your dog that has not been specifically recommended by your vet, and you shouldn't use herbal remedies over medical remedies if only because drugs are regulated and herbs are not. You are going to feel AWFUL if you accidentally give your dog liver damage instead of calming him down during a thunderstorm. Please, please, please, please talk to your family vet before you try to give your dog any treatment, "natural" or otherwise.

If you already know a fair amount about dogs and are able to accurately parse fact from bullshit, this book has some interesting information and is probably harmless. If you are unfamiliar with dogs and dealing with a new puppy, go to reliable sources like the ASPCA to learn about you pet, and make sure you vaccinate and spay or neuter your dog to prevent disease and overpopulation.

I didn't mean to go into a screed against pseudoscientific tripe in this blog, but then I didn't expect to find several references to potentially dangerous practices in a little book about the silly things that dogs do.

Murphy, Jana. The Secret Lives of Dogs: The real Reasons Behind 52 Mysterious 
     Canine Behaviors. MJF Books. New York: New York. 2000.

A book-lover's DIY Christmas

Left to Right: Free as I found it, Cleaned and with shelves removed, Laid down for 

painting, Painted, Dried and re-shelved, and finally with books in place.

It's a week before Christmas and I'm well aware that you're not supposed to buy anything for yourself around this time to keep from stepping on gift-givers' toes. I've been pretty good this holiday season, mostly limiting purchases to things I need, like underwear, and not things that I want, like bookshelves for every single square foot of wall space in my house.

But sometimes the universe gives you a present that you just can't ignore.

I was driving around on Saturday after finishing up my Christmas shopping at Barnes and Noble (I was almost unbelievably good, buying only a single book for myself when I usually leave book stores lugging a third of my own weight in novels and comics and notebooks) when I saw a sign that called out to my sometimes-frugal eye: "Free". Even better, the sign was attached to a book shelf, something that I've been lusting after for a few months now. I live with my in-laws, around the corner from my parents, and when I moved in two years ago I never brought over my books or book shelves since it seemed like so much e- as I gradually accumulated a new collection in my new abode the house grew a scurf of books, books on top of dressers, books wedged double-depth in small shelves, books in the garage, books in the bathroom, books on the ottoman, books in the woodbin (we live in SoCal, we never actually need a fire), books in baskets, books in bags, books on the night table, books under the bed. Basically, books were everywhere because they didn't belong anywhere.

So I circled the block and examined the shelf on the street. It was a slightly-beat-up, cheap, stained, fiberboard book shelf with white laminate, about six feet tall and a foot wide and deep. As bad as it may have been superficially, it would hold books and that was what I cared about. Into my truck it went!

When I got it home, I pulled it into the yard and started yanking out shelves. Most of the stains were coffee or some other water-based liquid and wiped off easily. There was, however, a long streak down the cardboard backing where the white paper layer had worn away after some liquid had been spilled on it. I looked at the ugly streak and thought for a minute. Only the week before I had been watching Dexter, and I remembered how much I had liked the character Hannah's book shelves - the fronts painted white with the backs and sides painted pink. I had a can of a lovely orange spray-paint in the garage and a plan.

Since it is Christmas I have plenty of wrapping paper around and laid it down to protect from overspray. The shelf went down on its back and I began to rattle my can. A few minutes and a lot of paint fumes later, the interior of the shelf had a rich orange coat and I had a nice little buzz going. I stood the case back up and let it cure for 24 hours.

After letting the paint dry I brought it into the garage, cleaned the shelves, and reassembled the whole thing. A little bit of orange paint had flecked over the front so I took some white acrylic paint and dabbed over the orange areas, not fully blending with the other white to give the front a nice shabby chic look.

Then it was off to the races - I gathered books from all over the house, grabbed them out of my car, ferreted them out of hiding places I didn't remember sticking them in, and started shelving. Unfortunately there wasn't enough space between the shelves to properly organize the books by author, so they're just sort of piled in by height, but almost all of the books I have at my in-laws' house (78 so far - I counted) fit on to the shelves with room for me to double stack when I need to, which will undoubtedly happen soon.

It was a fun and unexpected project that had three features which I highly recommend to everyone at every opportunity: it was useful, free, and gave me a great opportunity to get creative even in a mundane household task.

So keep an eye on the side of the road - you never know what sort of wonderful gifts the universe is leaving out all around you.

Cheers,
     - Alli

The best bits in one book

"The friends of Mr. Sherlock Holmes will be glad o learn that he is still alive and well, though somewhat crippled by occasional attacks of rheumatism."

Arthur Conan Doyle had intended His Last Bow to be the very last collection of Sherlock Holmes stories. Since The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes was published afterwards, Doyle's intentions were all for naught on that score. But in some ways it might have been better if we had less Holmes, or if we had more of it, all of it was of the same shining quality seen in His Last Bow. While many of the mysteries in the novel are of a small, quiet type rather than the sweeping problems of a nation they are neatly and tidily handled by Holmes, giving us the opportunity to read about the master at work and chuckle fondly over the evidence we are given of the relationship between Holmes and Watson, two strong men clucking over one another like chickens and bickering like an old married couple (something which I will never find not adorable when it comes to these two characters).

"The Adventure of Wisteria Lodge"
A stuffy client introduces Holmes and Co. to a fantastic mystery involving international criminals, a bloodthirsty warlord, and a damsel in distress - there's a lot going on in this short story, and some of it is really difficult to read in 2013 and not cringe at (anything having to do with British attitudes about tropical British holdings is repugnant), but overall it's a good quick romp into international intrigue, though it does get frustrating when you realize that Conan Doyle never gives you all of the pieces to his puzzles - Holmes, Lestrade, and Watson may be up on the scandals of fictional imperialistic dictators but the readers aren't so sometimes the solutions to the mysteries have a whiff of deus ex machina.

"The Adventure of the Cardboard Box"
Probably one of my favorite Holmes short stories, "Cardboard Box" is a pathetic, sordid, and very human little story. Holmes figures out the whole action of the piece with a couple of astute deductions after a grotesque delivery is made to a kindly spinster, but the story allows for the individuals to tell their tales without Holmes asserting himself over every aspect of the piece.

"The Adventure of the Red Circle"
A singular little work with a wonderful group of characters; we're given a mystery wrapped in an enigma, surrounded by a squawking landlady for a short, sweet, and to-the-point story that has all the best bits of a Holmes story with very little else to distract from the master detective.

"The Adventure of the Bruce-Partington Plans"
Holmes is once again indispensable to the nation, though this story isn't an essential for your collection - action and antagonist feel plucked from thin air on an even thinner pretext.

"The Adventure of the Dying Detective"
"Mrs. Hudson, the landlady of Sherlock Holmes, was a long-suffering woman. Not only was her first-floor flat invaded at all hours by throngs of singular and often undesirable characters but her remarkable lodger showed an eccentricity and irregularity in his life which must have sorely tried her patience. His incredible untidiness, his addiction to music at strange hours, his occasional revolver practice within doors, his weird and often malodorous scientific experiments, and the atmosphere of violence and danger which hung around him made him the very worst tenant in London. On the other hand, his payments were princely."
Here we have a delightful portrait of the relationship shared by the Detective and the Doctor - care and companionship are obvious, and Watson's concern for his dear friend is touching through the whole of this tense, page-turning story.

"The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax"
Fascinating if for no other reason than to read Holmes admitting that he missed something; and it's always wonderful to read about Watson on an adventure without Holmes cramping his much simpler style.

"The Adventure of the Devil's Foot"
Doyle does like to play with his audience; this story tantalizes with hints of supernatural fear and a spooky title, all calmly sneered away by a convalescing Holmes. The ending of the story serves as a reminder that Holmes works at his pleasure, not under the auspices of English law - which always has an interesting outcome.

"His Last Bow: An Epilogue of Sherlock Holmes"
"It was nine o'clock at night upon the second of August - the most terrible August in the history of the world."
It is remarkable to me that Holmes survived as long as he did, beating Moriarty and escaping from villains of all types to fight for King and Country at the dawn of the Great War. There is a great sense of melancholy hanging around the pages of this story; the world is moving on from the carriages and footpads of late Victorian London to the rushing machines and spy games of the early 20th century. Holmes and Watson are old and they are aware of the years and miles between the active young men they used to be and the men they have become, still of use but too old to weather the coming storm unaffected.

Doyle, Arthur Conan. "His Last Bow." Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels And 
     Stories, Volume II. Bantam Classics, a division of Random House. New York: New York.
     2003. (Originally Published 1917).

A little book turned into a lot of movie

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

When I first saw Sin City I was struck by how bad a movie could be while completely adhering to the source material. Books and comic books frequently have images and moments that don't hold up well to being filmed. In Sin City it's mostly a dialogue problem - characters say things which work really well on the starkly fantastic pages of the comic book, but which sound hilariously implausible when spoken by an actual human being. In The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, the song is the problem. You know which song I'm talking about. The one with the acrobatic plate-flinging. The Hobbit is a significantly more childish book than The Lord of the Rings, and does include some very silly songs and funny narrative commentary, but a lot of that comes out looking ridiculous in the movie when you're looking at serious actors preparing to embark on a dangerous, three-movie adventure.

The song is just the first of some really odd choices in a movie that's looking for a genre. The Hobbit badly wants to be a LotR film, but it also wants to be a children's movie, and a character piece for Bilbo Baggins. Peter Jackson tried to do all of this and unfortunately it just didn't come out very well. The choice to include the cups and plates song, but not to include the jolly singing elves is confusing. The decision to add a comedy beat at the end of the goblin chase is perplexing when you've spent 10 minutes watching the weird sexual tension between Galadriel and Gandalf as they argue with Elrond and Saruman in the slowest scene in the film. What is so frustrating is that you can't make an argument that this is the result of Jackson being a Tolkien purist - the inclusion of Azog and Thorin's back story is neat, but it's only one line in the original novel. It's great to see Radagast on screen, but nowhere in the books is there any suggestion that he's the 'head we see in the movie (and it's really frustrating to see a character who's written as a St. Francis of Assisi analogue played for laughs like he's in a Cheech and Chong bit).

I also noticed an irritating plot hole when I rewatched this last night - Radagast mentions to Gandalf that a shadow has fallen over the forest, and that "some have even come to call it the Mirkwood"; I'm going to be a pedantic geek here - if Gandalf went to Dol Guldur in the 2063rd year of the Third Age (the same time as our quest) then Greenwood the Great had been know as Mirkwood for over a thousand years. In LotR Legolas uses the name Mirkwood for his home forest - and since elves are stubborn and stuck in their ways and calling it Mirkwood long after the Necromancer has been driven out, it is unlikely that Radagast would have to reveal with horror to Gandalf that men are calling the forest Mirkwood and to have him do so just so they get to throw in a line about how creepy the forest has gotten is an idiotic reason to mess with the plumbing of the universe.

All of that being said, there are some truly wonderful things about the film. Martin Freeman's Bilbo is effortlessly delightful, and the tensions between him and the dwarves are not only accurate to the novel but interesting to watch and powerfully moving. Andy Serkis reprises his role as Gollum (and steps in as Second Unit Director) before the trials of Mordor; he is creepy and pathetic, and incredibly compelling. The relationship between Bilbo and Thorin is developed at just the right pace and with just the right pathos. And, of course, Peter Jackson films Middle Earth like it's his lover.

Which brings us to another problem - it seems like technology might finally be getting too good to be true. When the LotR came out, no one had anything but compliments for the CGI; when The Hobbit first premiered not only was the CGI criticized, the whole film was criticized - high frame rates served to make all the animation look cheap and all the actors look terrifying; only the beautiful landscapes and backgrounds of Middle Earth saved the visuals of the film. Seeing it last night in IMAX 3D only made it worse - the high frame rate is jarring and makes what I'm sure were very expensive visual effects look very cheap (hint: if the series you're filming involves a dragon, you don't want to do ANYTHING to make your CGI fire look cheesy).

The long and short of it is that I very badly want to like this move, there are large parts of it that I do like, and a second viewing has improved my opinion of it, but due to some strange choices I don't think that I'll ever enjoy it the same way I enjoy The Two Towers (immensely, and every chance I get) or even the way that I enjoy the Rankin/Bass 1977 cartoon (with fond nostalgia and a vague need to buy the DVD). Maybe I'll watch this move once in a while, but I don't think that I'll feel the need to immerse myself in it regularly, which is sad because that IS something that I feel for the book, as well as for the LotR films.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
(Spoilers Below! I guess? It's an old book. I'm not sure I believe in spoilers for books this old.)

There's a huge problem with being an obsessive geek - I enjoyed the hell out of this movie, but I kept thinking "but that's not how it happened in the book!" because I am a jerk and I don't like change.

There aren't a ton of problems with the changes that they made; the introduction of Bard works really well, truncating the Mirkwood experience is probably necessary, singing at the spiders might come off as ridiculous (even thought I wanted to see that SO BAD) so I guess it was safe to leave out, and showing us Gandalf's timeline does a good deal to increase tension and provide a sometimes-needed break from the 13 dwarves.

But some of the changes from book to movie really, really bothered me. I'll limit myself to one example, but it's a big one: only Bilbo should interact with Smaug. That's something that I think is key to the story - Bilbo faces the dragon alone and the dwarves are less interested in a tête-à-tête for the sake of vengeance than they are with letting Bilbo burgle. Smaug isn't completely right when he tries to convince Bilbo that the dwarves are letting him take all the risk while they get all the money, but he's not far wrong either. Tolkien wanted to emphasize that contrast - dwarves aren't human, dwarves aren't elvish, and dwarves aren't wizards - dwarves are dwarvish and have a different way of doing things, a way that is sometimes harsh but usually pragmatic; but you don't get the contrast if you have the dwarves fight Smaug for a quarter of the film. In the book, dwarves are kind of assholes - these movie dwarves are a bit too cuddly and broad-minded, which concerns me because some of the action coming in the next segment of the story relies on dwarves being assholes.

It's pretty typical of me to worry about things that haven't happened yet, so I'll leave off speculating as to whether or not the dwarves are big enough jerks and move on to other things.

Someone save us from high frame rate and the renaissance of 3D. I don't like it, it's incredibly distracting, and it detracts from my enjoyment of the film. This time the animators got it right and Smaug is probably the best looking thing in the movie, which is pretty sad because we're talking about a movie filmed in New Zealand - every exterior scene should be ball-crushingly beautiful, but it's not because you can't really see it because your eyes are overwhelmed with the hyperclarity of the high frame rate. It makes everything look flat and dull and too bright at the same time. This is a Peter Jackson Middle Earth movie with a huge budget, but high frame rate makes it look like a cross between a basic-cable daytime special and an overproduced videogame. There's a sequence that takes place in a river; it looks like it was filmed on a GoPro - this isn't Middle Earth, this is the over saturated video your drunk brother shot while kayaking. The images jump from having no depth of field to having a vertiginous, fathomless depth in seconds. It is dizzying and it literally made my eyes hurt. (This could be a problem with my eyes since I have very little depth perception in the real world, which is part of why I like movies so much - someone else is doing the focusing for me).

For all my bitching, though, I did really enjoy the film. Last year when Unexpected Journey came out I walked out of the theater saying "I don't know how I feel about what just happened." Last night I walked out of the theater and said, "yeah, it has some issues but that was rad! Wanna see it again?" I do think that I'll see if again, but I think I'll try to find a 2D 24fps version so that I can give my eyes a break and really take it in without having to blink hard every few seconds.

One final note: my dad and sister are convinced that Peter O'Toole would be the perfect person to voice Smaug, and I don't disagree with them, but any concerns about Benedict Cumberbatch were totally groundless - he has a TERRIFYING voice and it's fantastic for the chiefest and greatest of calamities.

So, you should check it out, and after 5 hours of late-night Middle Earth, I should take a nap.

Cheers,
     - Alli